Writer’s Block, Unblocked
While developing my dissertation, a qualitative narrative on the social experience of individuals low in social power, I distracted myself with Love’s Executioner. Not that I need a reason to procrastinate or deficit my attention, but books get me every time. In fact, my doctoral work was actually a distraction from a romantic thriller that I was halfway through writing. I had lost the story. Full transparency-I hadn’t lost the story. I had received criticism that I needed to rework the story with real environmental markers-“If you want it to be taken seriously, go for realism not fantasy”. Years later, that story is still stuck at 300+ pages.
Love’s Executioner is a collection of psychotherapy cases, by Irvin Yalom, written as short stories. Yalom gives an honest account of these counseling relationships, specifically on his thoughts and feelings about the Clients. This was clarity on a number of levels. It made me less robotic as a clinician and as a writer. I abandoned that novel and the doctoral program, but not the study.
My dissertation turned into a collection of shorts on taboo concepts, as experienced by those low in social power. Social power in this context relates to ones ability to live honestly, openly, without regard for adverse social outcomes. Primarily focused on “acting right” behavior, the more social power you have/express the less you care to fit environmental norms. Those high in social power tend to influence (social) and/or control (systemic) social behavior. Blah. Blah. Blah.
It’s amazing the instruments we can use to promote wellness and discovery, like writing. Rather than save for an academic trophy, I’ve turned my research into a collection of shorts. When it’s complete it will serve as the blueprint for another branch of creativity. Here I’d like to share with you the opening for volume 3 of “Taboo”-a therapeutic rant about nothing.
Adam’s Address
While the crowd settled back into their seats, Eva fixed herself-left heel, dress…hair…then red lips. She walked back onto the stage to announce the next speaker.
Adam waited off to the side. He thought about their intermission together, while inhaling her pleasure from his fingers. His mind drifted off to what would happen next-On her cue, he’d walk from behind the curtain and up to the podium. He would hold the hand up towards the crowd and wait for the room to settle. When there was order he’d deliver his address-
“You are what you are. But, what if you were not? Take a moment. Imagine, you could be anything. Anybody. More than either. But first, take a pause to consider right this moment-who are you? Perhaps, you, in this moment or another, are not the “who” or “what” you could, would, or should be-had you attempted with purpose to be more than the “who” or “what” you are. And if you’re honest, it’s mostly, solely of your own choosing. Or not choosing. Noo, not him. Not her. And not them, or that. Not any external focus that You, or the You next to you, would displace blame. You.
The question then becomes-what if you were more? What would you be that you are not? If you have an answer, or a pause to consider one, then you must agree-you could, should, have desired to be more. Different? A dancer? A teacher? A helper? More? Happy? Generous? Loved? What are you now, if not the thing that you chose not to be? And how does your hypothetical Self compare to your actual being?
How are you different or better, or not different or better than the might have been You that you might, occasionally contrast with the You that you are? The human paradox-we spend a great deal of effort becoming a thing, but not the thing. We’re taught to go forth, not in. We, you, them, and I, at one time or another, efforted to realize a Self that is not the Self we truly desire. Why? Why are you You?
Psychologists define “Self” as a construction of the beliefs a person holds about oneself. What are beliefs? Thoughts. Ideas. Conceptions. Do they smell? Do they have a color? Where do they come from? More times than not, these beliefs are rooted by one’s social environment. That is-inherited, mimicked, nurtured and/or natured, by your parents…pastor…favorite/not favorite teacher, and/or social character. This is not a trick question-why do you believe what you believe? About Self? About values? About the world in and outside of You?
Ideal Self is another psychology concept explaining the division between the Self a person acts to be and the one they naturally are. Dissonance is the friction experienced oscillating between the two selves-You and projected You. For the discussion that follows, it helps to be aware of both-true self and ideal self-as is discussed in this argument.
Consider your ideal self as a repetitive collection of social values, beliefs, and behaviors, curated by your social systems. Maybe you were told to “act like you got some sense” before walking into the store or being guested into someone’s home. An early lesson on codeswitching. For many of us, this is our representative. Why do you dress the way you do for work/school/dinner? Why do you even go to work or school? Are you only a chef when the apron is on? Why do you greet your co-workers, with mindless small talk, when you’d rather not? Why do you eat the foods you eat? What do you ruminate about? And why are you ruminating about whatever it is that you ruminate about? Just ask “Why”. Why? Why? Why?
If it’s true-humans are creatures of habit, what experience(s) introduced you to the habitual pattern(s) that You automate to? If you’re in ego defense, because sometimes we are, you’ll believe and maybe aggressively defend that You decide all these things alone. Let me be brave and honest for You-you don’t choose these things alone, or at all. Someone decided your thinking, feeling, and doing long before you ever accomplished deciding, or realized that you had decided for yourself. Maybe you still don’t. And, maybe they still do. This is the naturing and/or nurturing that sustains one’s ideal self.
Many of us believe that we like, feel, and behave the way we do because we choose it, completely unconscious, repressed, or dishonest of the social pressures on our psychology. We may be more like robots than we know-mindlessly acting out the codes of our creation.
Your true self is stripped of external influences. Actively living requires a conscious attention to the present-what’s happening around and within the Self-and mindfully choosing what behaviors/thoughts/feelings to activate and which ones to check and balance. And, to be conscious of when one’s control is being challenged. This is the Self that we should actively choose, one that is in the pilot seat-hands on the controls-instead of the hypnagogic one, partially alert and fully on cruise control.
I assure you-this isn’t a red or blue pill argument. This is the consolation that follows. I am-”
Eva spoke his name again, louder. It raised the tension in the room. His thoughts broke off in his mind, returning him to the present. Before leaving his spot behind the veil, Adam wiped a taste onto his lips. In passing, He and Eva shared the kind of glance two people share when they know something that the rest of the room doesn’t. Then Adam stepped up to the microphone, held the hand out to the crowd, and waited for the room to settle. When there was order, he delivered his address as he had prepared.
Continuing…